Terezia Farkas. CNN. HuffPost. International Best-selling Author. Writes about dealing with depression.
It’s 3 a.m. and I’m lying in my bed, thoughts racing with ideas that seem to go nowhere. My curtains are drawn shut so that there’s no interference from the outside world. My door is closed. I don’t care about anything that’s beyond the threshold because today my world is only as big as my room. In fact, it might actually only be the size of my bed.
My bed. My fortress, my safe zone, my confidant when no one else is there to cry on. I know it’s just an inanimate object but the warmth oozing back from the bed comforts me as if I am being hugged. I know it’s just my body warmth heating up the mattress but none of that resonates with me now. I’m crying my heart out, sobbing into the bed because my pillow is already drenched from my tears.
Why am I so despondent? Is there a cause, a reason that I can clearly state to others? Or is it just a jumble, a mess, a pile on of emotions and hurts too deep to verbalize, never mind explain to someone who has never experienced what I am feeling right now. My mind rationalizes my pain, giving false comfort from ideas that creep out of the darkness that is both inside and around me. I am alone. No one cares about me. I feel so lonely, so sad that my heart feels like it is breaking apart.
I look up and of course there’s no one coming to comfort me. No one hears me crying or the questions I pose to the darkness. I am alone and I feel the immensity of what I believe to be me. My soul looks upon my life and says it’s not as bad as I imagine it to be but my mind tells me it is even worse.
I contemplate what will be, what has passed, and what remains to be done once I actually get out of bed. Things that are transparently clear to me will become unfocused by noon and I will once again question living.
So I take a breath and hope for the best and worst of what I imagine, for anything will feel better than what I am enduring now in this moment.
Terezia Farkas. International Bestselling Author, Huffington Post/ CNN contributor, columnist of Depression Help. Focus is mental health. Her bestseller Heart of Love Evolution – Surviving Depression is available on Amazon. Website: www.tereziafarkas.com Follow on Twitter.